When You’ve Lost It on Your Kids: 5 Ways to Repair
Most of us imagine we’ll be calm, patient, steadfast parents. But then the reality of parenting hits us like a ton of bricks.
Sleep deprivation.
Loss of identity.
Little support.
Social pressure.
People expect parents to be pillars of emotional control who never lose their temper. But inevitably, we do lose it. And sometimes, we lose it on our kids.
A Quick Pep Talk
Whether you’re just a little off today or you find yourself raging out on the regular, you’re likely experiencing shame and guilt because of your anger or rage. And you’re not alone.
Rage is often followed by intense shame. Because our expectations of motherhood—and our role and identity within it—aren’t matching up with our reality, we can’t help but wonder:
What kind of mom gets angry at her kids?
What’s wrong with me?
Am I a monster?
Did I make a mistake by becoming a parent?
Pile those thoughts on top of your very full plate—physically, mentally, and emotionally—and you have a not-so-winning combination. Now you feel isolated, alone, and broken.
But here’s the truth: You’re not broken. You just need more support.
Postpartum rage is real.
Anger is a secondary emotion—a signal there’s something deeper going on. In this way, postpartum rage is its own distress signal.
Rage is how our bodies and minds say, “Hey! A little help over here!” It’s a sign we need to do some investigating. And when we do a little digging, we find that this rage is actually covering up an unmet need—for rest, support, appreciation, connection, and so on.
Postpartum rage may also be a warning sign for postpartum depression or anxiety. Research shows anger is consistently linked with depressive symptoms.
What is repair and why is it important?
If the above resonates with you, you’ve probably lost it on your kid once or twice (at least). You’re now wondering:
How in the world do I fix this?!
That’s where repair comes in.
Repairing after an argument—the process of resolving and rebuilding the relationship—is a necessary conflict-management tool. And it’s especially important for our little ones.
Kids seem to get over things pretty quickly. Their minds are always looking for the next thing to hold their attention. But, in reality, the way we interact with our kids can stick with them for longer than we’d like to admit.
So, in the short term, repair helps us to mitigate any immediate emotional and behavioral issues related to us losing our cool. It pushes pause on our anger and makes room for normalcy.
In the long-term, repair has even more important repercussions.
Repair continues to build trust, confidence, and connection in our relationship with our kids. They learn they can express their feelings and be heard and acknowledged. That leads to healthy attachment, which is a necessary part of healthy development. And modeling these repair skills will also imprint important communication and problem-solving skills onto our kids.
5 Ways to Repair After an Argument
#1 Calm yourself first.
You can’t connect with your child if you’re still dysregulated. Before attempting to repair, it’s important that you get a grip on your own emotions in the moment. Give yourself a cool-down period.
That might mean taking a few deep breaths or going for a long solitary walk. Whatever you need to do to calm and regulate yourself again… do it!
#2 Apologize.
Effective apologies are truly an art form. Often, we default to conditional apologies, which sound like: I’m sorry if I upset you. Or we place responsibility on the other person altogether: I’m sorry you got upset.
Effective apologies take full ownership of the wrongdoing and express understanding of how it impacted the other person. It also includes a plan for the future; a way to mitigate what caused the argument in the first place.
With your kids, this might sound like:
I’m sorry I yelled when I got mad. I was so overwhelmed that I forgot to think about you and your feelings. You must have been scared or worried when I was yelling. In the future, when I get mad, I’ll remember to take deep breaths or go to my calm-down space.
#3 Affirm that you love them.
Without proper repair, our kids ultimately start to believe there’s something wrong with them in the relationship. That they—as a persson—are the reason for the conflict.
It’s important to reassure your child that this isn’t the case, and that you love them regardless of what’s happening in the relationship.
This could sound like:
I got angry, and I yelled at you. I’m sorry. I love you very much. I can be mad and love you at the same time.
#4 Ask for solutions.
Kids are really creative. And by bringing them into the repair process to co-create solutions with you, you’re not only reconnecting with them, but also you’re building life-long problem-solving skills.
Try asking them what they do when they’re angry. Ask how they think you should handle the issue in the future. Their answers might surprise you!
#5 Do some extra connecting.
Make some time to do something you both enjoy together. This isn’t necessarily a time to “make up” for losing it on your kiddo. It’s a way to show that the relationship can still be strong and reliable even after a blow up.
Take a walk, play a game, watch a movie. Whatever!
You can do this.
Managing rage—and repairing afterwards—is a learned skill. Keep practicing. You can do this! For more support, register for my free, on-demand masterclass with Erica Djossa from Happy as a Mother: The Three-Step Method for Repairing with Your Child After You Lose Your Cool.
