6 Reasons You Might Be Yelling A Lot
Janelle has been up since 5:30 this morning. By 8 am, her cup of coffee is long-forgotten, the TV is already blaring, and mom guilt is in full swing.
She barely gets through to lunch time, and then her son throws a fit about what she’s prepared. The only thing keeping her from locking herself in the bathroom is the promise of nap time—a welcome hiatus from the screaming tantrum she just endured. But her kiddo has other plans: Nap strike. Ugh.
Janelle spends the rest of the day brooding, and when her partner comes home and asks, “What’s for dinner?” she loses it. She yells so loudly it doesn’t even sound like her anymore.
When we think about the picture perfect mom, we often conjure images of a calm, soothing, naturally warm presence who handles anything life throws at her with grace and dignity.
So when we inevitably lose our cool, we start to feel guilty and ashamed.
What kind of mom yells this much?
Please hear this: Most moms yell. (Yes, really.) And for lots of different reasons.
Sometimes understanding why we react the way we do can help to interrupt that anger cycle and bring us back to baseline quicker. So let’s dive in.
6 Reasons You Might Be Yelling A Lot
#1 You’re experiencing postpartum rage.
Postpartum rage is like anger on steroids. It’s often set off by the little things… or even “nothing.” It can look like:
Snapping at your kids or partner.
Feeling irritable or on edge.
Exploding or throwing things when angry.
Avoiding important tasks that trigger rage.
Feeling powerless in managing these feelings.
Yelling more than usual.
And while postpartum rage can be a helpful distress signal that we need to get more support, it can also be a sign of postpartum depression or anxiety.
#2 You have a PMAD.
Postpartum mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) are really common. They include diagnoses like:
Depression
Anxiety
Obsessive-compulsive disorder
Posttraumatic stress disorder
Bipolar disorder
Psychosis
Common symptoms of PMADs that often get overlooked? Irritability, anger, rage, and yelling.
So, if you’re yelling more frequently, do a self check-in. Are you having any other PMAD symptoms? If so, chat with your OB/GYN or another provider for support.
#3 Your senses are overloaded.
Sensory overload is exactly what it sounds like. It happens when our senses are overloaded to the point that our brains can’t process any other input. So, when things just keep piling on, we experience rage, panic, and overwhelm.
Cue the yelling.
Pre-parenthood, sensory overload wasn’t such a big deal. But now, in postpartum and motherhood, we process all that input much differently. This is especially true because:
We have fewer opportunities to recharge.
We often become the default parent, which means others have unlimited access to our bodies and energy.
We don’t have as much help from our support people.
We feel less accomplished as our to-do list grows.
#4 You’re burned out.
Parental burnout is the combination of overwhelming exhaustion, emotional distancing, and a sense of ineffectiveness as a parent that results from chronic parenting stress. You might also experience:
A consistent bad mood.
Inability to control emotions.
Feeling “touched out.”
Difficulty thinking clearly.
Loss of pleasure in parenting.
Numbing with addictive behaviors.
Declining physical health.
Quickness to anger.
Forgetting or avoiding important appointments.
All of these signs and symptoms often lead to one thing: a stressed out, yelling-prone parent.
If this feels familiar, my online course Overcoming Parental Burnout can help you go from exhausted parent to supported parent
#5 You’re not getting enough sleep.
Sleep and mental health go hand-in-hand. And in the postpartum period, this connection is even more clear. Eliza Park, from the University of North Carolina’s Department of Psychiatry, found that lesser quality of sleep caused more severe depressive symptoms in postpartum moms.
As moms, we’re never more vulnerable to mental health disorders (often accompanied by increased anger and yelling) than in the postpartum period. And sleep is a major factor in our matrescence journeys.
#6 It’s what your mom did.
Parenting is intergenerational. The way our grandparents parented influenced our own parents. And their parenting has now influenced ours. So, if you experienced a lot of yelling as a kid, your automatic response now as a mom might be to do the same.
5 Tips to Decrease Yelling
Yelling can feel awful. But you have an opportunity to break the rage cycle! These tips can help.
#1 Adjust your expectations.
Perfectionism or ultra-high expectations can trigger anger and rage when they inevitably go unmet. So, setting realistic and flexible standards for yourself might be the key to reducing yelling.
#2 Get better sleep.
We often accept sleep deprivation as a motherhood inevitability. But it doesn’t have to be that way! No matter how many hours you’re getting these days, use these tips to make the most of your nighttime sleep:
Get on a good sleep schedule. Go to bed and wake at the same time every day.
Get more natural sunlight during the day to regulate your circadian rhythm.
Avoid late night exercise to prevent extra blood flow from stimulating and waking your body.
Avoid caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine within 4 hours of going to bed.
Keep your bedroom environment ideal for sleep: cool, dark, and quiet.
Create sleep rituals to practice 15-30 minutes before bed, like hot baths, prayer, meditation, stretching, reading, or other relaxing activities.
Avoid long naps, especially after 4 pm.
Only use your bed for sleeping and sex, since watching TV, snacking, or working in bed can confuse your body.
Avoid screen time 30 minutes to an hour before bed.
Avoid your phone after tossing and turning. Instead, stick to non-stimulating activities when you can’t seem to fall asleep.
Share nighttime responsibilities with your partner. Plan to take turns responding to late-night wakings.
#3 Embrace self-compassion.
What would you say to another mom who’s yelling a lot? You’d probably make allowances, show grace, and offer support.
You deserve the same kindness. But if you’re like many moms, you beat yourself up, set your expectations too high, and get caught in a spiral of self-criticism.
And let’s be clear: Self-criticism can make yelling worse.
Emotionally, negative self-talk makes us feel ineffective, alone, weak, undeserving, and broken. Physically, it triggers an increase in the stress hormone cortisol, which takes a huge toll on our bodies. All this leads to a not-so-winning combination.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, triggers a totally different system.
It increases the feel-good hormone oxytocin and can improve our self-esteem. Self-compassion reminds us that we deserve kindness, we’re not alone in our struggles, and we should be present in the moment without judgment.
For more on this, check out Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristen Neff.
#4 Repair.
Repairing after an argument—the process of resolving and rebuilding the relationship—is a necessary conflict-management tool. And, the more we repair, the more committed we become to changing our behavior.
Use these tips to repair with your kids after you lose it.
#5 Find professional support.
The buildup, angry release, and apology carousel isn’t a ride you want to stay on forever. If you’re finding yourself going around and around, it might be time to get professional support.
Finding a therapist who specializes in the postpartum experience can help you learn and practice coping skills that will work in your day-to-day life. Find one through Postpartum Support International.
You’re a great mom.
But yelling makes you feel differently. It’s time to take back the joy in motherhood! Check out my workshop, All the Rage, with Erica Djossa of @happyasamother, and learn how to parent in a way that feels good.
Sources and Additional Reading
Chahine, E. (2021, June 9). Sleep Deprivation and New Parenthood. Sleep Foundation. https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-deprivation/parents.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2016, July 15). Sleep Hygiene Tips - Sleep and Sleep Disorders. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/sleep/about_sleep/sleep_hygiene.html.
University of British Columbia. (2018, June 26). Anger overlooked as feature of postnatal mood disorders. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/06/180626113415.htm
