What No One Tells You About Postpartum Rage
You wake up to tiny newborn cries after a mere 45 minutes of rest. You immediately rip off your shirt because it feels like sandpaper against your swollen and tender nipples. You go to your baby and try to soothe him to extend his ultra-short nap. You follow every rule to the T—watch for sleepy cues, lay him down drowsy but awake, don’t feed to sleep, extend the wake windows, use a swaddle and a noise machine turned up to 11—but nothing’s working.
You start to feel angry. Why isn’t he sleeping? What am I doing wrong? What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with me?
You lay him back down in the bassinet, walk out of the room, and scream.
You’re experiencing postpartum rage.
What’s postpartum rage?
Rage is like anger on steroids. It feels like it shouldn’t even be in the same category as regular emotions like mad, sad, or happy. It’s often set off by little things—the dishwasher not being unloaded, the laundry piling up, the dog needing to go outside—or seemingly nothing at all.
Rage can look like:
Snapping at your kids or partner
Raising your voice or cursing more than usual
Feeling irritable or always on edge
Exploding or throwing things when angry
Feeling powerless in managing your rage
Avoiding important tasks that trigger your rage
Experiencing violent thoughts and urges
This rage is often followed by intense shame. Our expectations for moms to be ever-gentle, always warm, and never angry prompts questions like:
What kind of mom gets angry at her kids?
What’s wrong with me?
Am I a monster?
Did I make a mistake by becoming a parent?
Pile that on top of the enjoy-every-moment, toxic positivity of today’s parenting culture and you have a not-so-winning combination. Now we feel totally alone and isolated in our mom rage.
But the truth is, postpartum rage is really common!
In my own therapy practice, I hear moms’ stories of rage all the time. Unfortunately though, it’s often under-reported. In addition to feeling like we can’t talk about it without judgment from our peers, common screening tools for postpartum depression and other mood disorders don’t even ask about anger or rage.
But we need to talk about it. Not only to make us feel less alone, but also because anger plays a really important role in our lives.
The Purpose of Postpartum Rage
Anger is a secondary emotion. It’s a shield protecting an underlying emotional experience that feels too difficult to share or express. It’s a way to signal there’s something deeper going on.
In this way, postpartum rage is actually a distress signal. It’s how our bodies and minds say, “Helloooooo! A little help over here?!” Rage is an indicator we need to do a little more digging. And when we do the investigating, we might find that what’s actually going on is unmet needs for rest, support, appreciation, or connection.
Postpartum rage might also be a warning sign for postpartum depression or anxiety. Research continuously notes the link between anger and increased intensity and duration of depressive symptoms.
5 Tips to Manage Mom Rage
Mom rage is common and has a unique purpose. But that doesn't mean it’s “just another part of motherhood” you signed up for and have to deal with. There are ways to manage your rage and take back your power.
Tip #1 Adjust your expectations
PhD candidate Christine Ou from the University of British Columbia notes the important connections between unmet expectations and postpartum rage. She states, in particular, that perfectionism and ultra-high expectations of ourselves can trigger anger and rage when they inevitably go unmet.
It’s important we set realistic, flexible expectations for ourselves. As moms, we often feel the need to be perfect. But perfect is an impossible, ever-changing standard we can’t realistically live up to. And that’s okay! Embracing a Good Enough Mother mentality and addressing our perfectionism can help us refocus our expectations to prevent mom rage from rearing its ugly head.
Tip #2 Get your needs met.
Filling our emotional and physical fuel tanks can help us from stalling out and losing our cool. When you feel the postpartum rage coming on, do a quick inspection. Think about your needs for:
Wholesome nutrition
Movement and exercise
Support and connection
Adequate sleep
Alone time to recharge
Now you might be thinking, “None of these needs are being met. So, how the heck am I supposed to keep my rage under control?”
In comes Tip #3.
Tip #3 Take it one step at a time!
Tackling all these needs at once is overwhelming. And trying to do it all will eventually lead to throwing in the towel. You don’t have to do it all at once!
Choose one thing to help yourself refuel. When you feel like you have that down, take on another need.
Tip #4 Check in with your relationships.
Rage impacts our relationships because it often becomes our default way of responding or relating to other people. Check in with your relationships and determine which ones need mending.
Apologizing is especially powerful, particularly with our kids. After we get angry or rage out, we have the opportunity to model how to repair a relationship when we’ve hurt someone. This builds lifelong skills for our kiddos.
The next time you rage at your kids, try saying something like:
I’m sorry I got so loud. I was angry. It wasn’t fair of me to take my anger out on you. I’m going to do better at walking away and taking deep breaths when I’m angry. How else can I make it better?
Or, if you’re in the thick of it, remove yourself from the situation and take a pause. You’re not hiding or running away from the problem. You’re taking time to recenter yourself so you can be a healthier, happier you!
Tip #5 Get professional support.
The buildup, angry release, and apology carousel isn’t a ride you want to stay on forever. If you’re finding yourself going around and around, over and over again with no progress, it might be time to get professional support.
Finding a therapist who specializes in the postpartum experience can help you learn and practice coping skills that will work in your day-to-day life. Find one through Postpartum Support International.
Don’t let rage steal your joy.
My online course, All The Rage: Raising kids with less anger and more connection with Eric Djossa, MA (@happyasamother), can help you get a deeper understanding of your rage, the coping skills you need, and the healing you can achieve. Check it out today!
Sources
University of British Columbia. (2018, June 26). Anger overlooked as feature of postnatal mood disorders. ScienceDaily. Retrieved July 28, 2021 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/06/180626113415.htm
