We all know separation anxiety is common in kids. In fact, it’s developmentally appropriate—a major milestone for children ages 6 months to 3 years.

But did you know parents, especially moms, can get separation anxiety, too? 

Maternal separation anxiety looks different for everyone, but most often it includes:

• Increased irritability

• Excessive worry

• Low mood

• Anger or rage

• Catastrophic thinking

• Guilt when leaving your child in the care of others, even your partner

• Increased need to control every aspect of your child’s care

• Physical symptoms like nausea, headache, racing heart, and panic
  

Now, before we go any further, I want you to hear this: Feeling concerned about your child’s well-being is totally normal. It comes with the territory. This is especially true at big transitions in your child’s development or your household structure. For example, if you’re heading back to work and transitioning your child to daycare, you’ll naturally feel anxious about being separated from them.

You should also know this: Anxiety serves a specific purpose, which is to help us both avoid immediate danger and learn to anticipate future dangers. Waaaaaay back when, our neanderthal ancestors needed anxiety to escape from and prevent life-or-death scenarios. Although these days we’re not being chased down by saber-toothed tigers (probably), anxiety still serves a similar purpose: Protect us from a dangerous, messy world. 

Now, here’s where things can start to go awry. From time to time, our brains overestimate the amount of danger in a given situation or even totally make it up when there’s no threat to be found. When that happens only occasionally, it’s fine. After all, it’s better to detect danger when there is none than to totally miss it when it’s right in front of you.

But sometimes, our brains go into overdrive and signal too many false alarms. Especially when we’re already stressed. You know, like every day being a mother.

How Moms Deal With Anxiety: The Tend-and-Befriend Theory

You’ve probably heard of the human stress response fight, flight, or freeze. When confronted by danger, our body and all its complexities trigger us to fight the danger, run away from the danger, or totally freeze because we don’t know what else to do. 

But the fight, flight, or freeze response is more common in men. As women, and now also as mothers, we do something totally different. We tend and befriend.

The tend-and-befriend theory states that in times of stress, we quietly retreat to take care of our offspring (tend) and engage a social network to help us respond to our stress (befriend). Over millions of years of evolution, we’ve learned that we stand a better chance of conquering our stress when we protect ourselves and our children.

Tending to our kids also helps to reduce our stress biologically. When we spend time with or care for our little ones, our brain releases oxytocin. Oxytocin, a neurotransmitter, calms our sympathetic nervous systems and reduces our anxiety. 

In that way, maternal separation anxiety is an adaptive response to stress. Tending to our children provides both protection for them and decreases stress for us. But (and this is a BIG but), maternal separation anxiety can get out of hand, interfering with our daily lives and taking a heavy toll on our mental and physical health.

Fortunately, there are several simple strategies we can use to keep our separation anxiety in check.

Managing Maternal Separation Anxiety

#1 Name the feelings.

Sometimes just naming and claiming our feelings can set us on a totally different path. 

Recognizing anxiety for yourself means you can begin to conquer it. Talking with someone else about your worries can make you feel less alone and ashamed.

Sharing these experiences with your partner can be especially validating. Next time you’re feeling some separation anxiety take hold, try saying something like this:

“I’m feeling really anxious. I know you’re a good parent; I just have this overwhelming feeling that I’m the only one who can take care of him right now. I just needed you to know that’s how I’m feeling.”

#2 Prepare other caregivers.

Preparation can be anxiety’s mortal enemy. The more we can prepare for the worst-case-scenario we’re always thinking about, the more our brain can relax. 

Talking with your child’s other caregivers—grandparents, aunts and uncles, babysitters—and giving them as much prep as they need to care for your child can give you peace of mind. It can also be helpful to share your anxiety with them. Simply saying, “I get really worried when I’m not around to take care of her myself,” can be a powerful way to take control over your separation anxiety.

Preparing other caregivers can also look like sharing your expectations and nonnegotiables. Is it OK to order in for dinner? How about screen time? Do you let them cry it out in the crib or should your babysitter intervene at the first whimper? 

Giving caregivers your “playbook” can help you sit back and relax, knowing things are going similarly to how you would approach an evening with your kids.

#3 Visualize leaving your child and rehearse positive and negative outcomes.

Preparing ourselves is just as important as preparing others. We often have to work ourselves up to get out of the house and leave our little ones at home. 

Take the time to visualize what that process looks and feels like. Then, rehearse the positive and negative outcomes of you leaving.

You could leave and things could go so smoothly they never really know you’re gone. You get a break and they get some time with grandma! Or, you could leave and they could scream their fool head off. What would that feel like? How would you manage it? Would they still be safe?

#4 Start small.

You don’t have to go from round-the-clock care to week-long and kid-free vacations. Start small and build your confidence slowly! 

This week, take a solo trip for coffee and come right back. Next week, make a quick, 30-minute run to the store. The week after that, do your week’s grocery shopping and take an extra 15 minutes to browse all the aisles.

Be patient with yourself!

#5 Write it all down.

Anxiety produces a lot of negative, irrational thinking patterns. Maternal separation anxiety is a mastermind at creating near-impossible scenarios that play over and over in our heads. Here’s a fun one: “I know it’s August and I live in Southern California, but what if a giant snowstorm hits and I’m stranded at the restaurant away from my kids for 3 days?”

No matter how silly or irrational your thoughts might be, write them down. Giving them space outside your mind can help you let them go. You can also bring your list to an understanding support person who can help you talk out your feelings.

#6 Practice good old-fashioned acceptance.

Sometimes, trying to control worry makes it even harder to manage. So try this: Think of your separation anxiety like a temper tantrum: 

It’s throwing a fit… kicking and screaming. You run over and grab it pick it up, and tightly wrap your arms around it in an attempt to quiet your thoughts. But the more you squeeze, the angrier the anxiety gets. (Ever try to grab hold of an out-of-control toddler? How did that work out?)

Some amount of worry is inevitable and unavoidable. So notice it, name it, ride the wave, and move forward.

#7 Address underlying issues with therapy.

Maternal separation anxiety can also be caused by other common concerns:

• Pre-existing mental health conditions

• Anxiety and depression developed as a result of pregnancy

• Postpartum mental health disorders

• Miscarriage or other child loss

• Birth trauma

• Lack of social or emotional supports

• Complex care needs of your child

Seeking additional, therapeutic support for these experiences can help you integrate these into your daily role as a mom and give you some power over your separation anxiety.

Ready for more?

My online course, Keeping Mommy in Mind, addresses maternal anxiety and gives you practical, actionable tips on how to manage it in your daily life. Get started today!

Sources

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Hsu, H.-C. (2004). Antecedents and consequences of separation anxiety in first-time mothers: infant, mother, and social-contextual characteristics. Infant Behavior and Development, 27(2), 113–133. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.infbeh.2003.09.005 

Orson, K. (2020, June 5). How parents can cope with their *own* separation anxiety. Motherly. https://www.mother.ly/life/how-parents-can-cope-with-separation-anxiety/2-create-a-listening-partnership. 

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