The Truth About Motherhood and Loneliness
You’re rushing around, taking care of one thing after another: Laundry dings, dog barks, baby cries, doorbell rings. What feels like hours later, you finally sit to catch your breath.
In that rare, silent moment an out-of-the-blue emptiness hits you like a ton of bricks. It might take a second to even figure out what you’re feeling because it doesn’t seem to make any sense. But then you find a name for it. You feel lonely.
As parents there are endless ways our lives change after bringing our babies into the world.
Your body? Basically unrecognizable.
Relationship with your partner? Totally different.
Work environment? Absolutely shifted.
Priorities? Completely transformed.
Friendships? Undeniably altered.
From the moment you decided to become a parent, you knew your life would look different. How could bringing a tiny human into the world not change everything, right? But something you probably didn’t anticipate is loneliness.
What is loneliness?
It can sound silly saying it out loud. If you were to express your loneliness to someone without kids they’d probably say, “Lonely? You’re constantly surrounded by your family. Wouldn’t you actually want some time to yourself?”
But there’s a difference between loneliness and actually being alone.
Loneliness is a negative feeling toward the quantity or quality of our social relationships. While we might not be physically alone—with our newborns needing constant cuddling or our toddlers watching us go to the bathroom for the 6th time today—we feel lonely because we’re not getting satisfaction from our relationships.
The Why Behind Loneliness
Loneliness is a natural result of changes or crises across the lifespan. Even though becoming a mother seems like a very personal, private change, it affects everything else about our lives.
First, your friendships are probably wildly different than they were pre-kiddo.
Since becoming a parent, you’ve likely put your social life in second place (or lower)—either by choice or necessity. And the changes in your support system might look even more different if your friends aren’t in the same stage of life as you. When your circle doesn’t have kids, for example, it can make it tough to relate to each other. That lack of understanding, according to experts, is a primary reason for loneliness in new moms.
You might also be dealing with little to no social contact.
For long periods of time, especially in the newborn phase, your adult interaction comes to a complete halt.
Your friends aren’t coming around anymore.
You took maternity leave or traded your out-of-the-house job for a 24/7/365 stay-at-home-parent job.
Your partner went back to work after their family leave.
You can’t leave your home for more than an hour or two at a time.
You’re still in global pandemic mode and trying to keep your family safe and healthy.
Let’s be honest: There’s only so much baby talk you can engage in before your brain takes a vacation. And the two-minute, check-out conversation with a Target employee isn’t going to cut it.
Humans are social beings. We crave interaction with others. When social contact is greatly reduced, or cut off completely, those deep feelings of emptiness and loneliness creep in.
In short, you’re not losing your mind or overreacting, you’re a human with social needs that aren’t being met.
You may also feel lonely if you’re holding yourself to unrealistic standards.
Everyone and their mother (literally) has an opinion on what motherhood should be like or how we should be raising our kids. It can be easy to brush off a stranger’s passive-aggressive, uninformed, and totally annoying comments. But social media is making it tougher and tougher to feel confident in our own matrescence journeys.
If you’re like most of us, when you scroll through your newsfeeds you’re bombarded by picture-perfect snapshots of moms who are doing motherhood flawlessly. If you’re not mindful of it, you’ll start to use them as the standard or expectation for how you should parent. And when the Instagram highlight reel doesn’t match your actual, every day, can’t-see-the-living-room-floor-and-I’ve-forgotten-the-last-time- the-kids-got-a-bath life, you’ll feel completely alone.
Then you might get this idea that if you were just doing this whole motherhood thing like you “should” be doing it—like all the moms on social media are doing it—then you’d be happier. This inflexible, totally unrealistic thinking makes you even more vulnerable to loneliness.
I should nurse and avoid bottle feeding, so I can’t go out to the store by myself.
I should be playing with my kiddo 24/7, so I can’t take that phone call from a friend.
I should be putting my baby first, so we can’t get a babysitter for a kid-free date night.
I should keep my kids on a rigid schedule and can’t skip naps, so we can’t go out to lunch with Grandma.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
Four Tips to Address Loneliness in Motherhood
#1 Verbalize your feelings.
Loneliness causes us to turn inward—retreating into ourselves and neglecting to share with others how we’re feeling. But expressing our emotions, even if we (or they) have no clue how to “fix” things, helps us feel better.
Start with your partner. They may be totally clueless to how you’re feeling! Try saying something like:
I’m feeling lonely. All my relationships have changed and I’m not sure what to do about that. I know you’re here, but I feel disconnected from you. Can we talk about what I need right now?
If you’re not ready to talk to your partner, talking with another support person can be a great start. Or, if you need to get your thoughts and feelings organized, try writing it down! Writing can be a huge release and can help us figure out what we really want to say to those support people. When we actually know what we feel and need, it’s much easier to communicate those things to another person.
#2 Embrace changes in your friendships.
As hard as it is in the moment, friendships come and go—and as you move through this new season of life, it’s completely normal to lose and gain friends.
While taking time to seek out like-minded, similar-stage-of-life friendships can feel daunting, they make all the difference. Imagine having friends who get you and what you’re going through. Imagine no grief or guilt trip when you cancel or reschedule because of your unpredictable little ones! Sigh…what a dream!
You can also verbalize your feelings with your current friends. Especially if they don’t have kids, they may not even know that you’re struggling and that your friendship with them needs a little tweaking. It’s OK to ask for what you need. Try starting the conversation like this:
I’m feeling lonely. I feel this push and pull between wanting to be there for my kids and wanting to spend time with you and maintain our friendship. I value both! Can we think together about how to solve this? I could really use your support.
#3 Let go of high, unrealistic standards.
Research tells us that encountering more realistic representations of motherhood decreases maternal loneliness. So remember this: Everybody struggles, even if they don’t show it. You are the best mom for your kid. Cut yourself some slack! Nobody is judging you more than you.
If your baby misses a nap because you want to go out to lunch with friends, he’ll survive. If you leave a bottle of formula with your mother-in-law or babysitter so you can have a date night, your baby will be fine.
You deserve to be a happy, healthy mom. And your baby will flourish more when you care for yourself than when you hold onto all the unrealistic expectations.
#4 Talk to a professional.
Society portrays moms as superheroes. While that’s true, we’re also human beings with human feelings. So if you feel like you’ve tried everything, or if you’re just too tired to try anything, know this: You’re not powerless. You’re not broken.
Feeling lonely isn’t a reflection of you as a mom. It just means you need some extra TLC! Talking with a professional might give you the extra support you need. Find one through Postpartum International here.
Even if you feel lonely, you’re not alone.
Keeping Mommy in Mind, an online course and virtual community for moms just like you, has dedicated sections on social and couple support. You’ll learn how to build your social network, feel more connected in your relationships, increase effective communication, resolve conflicts, and improve your parent-to-parent support. Take back your joy and confidence in motherhood. Start today!
Sources
Kent-Marvick, J., Simonsen, S., Pentecost, R. et al. (2020). Loneliness in pregnant and postpartum people and parents of children aged 5 years or younger: a scoping review protocol. Systematic Review, 9. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13643-020-01469-5
Lee, K., Vasileiou, K., & Barnett, J. (2019). ‘Lonely within the mother’: An exploratory study of first-time mothers’ experiences of loneliness. Journal of Health Psychology, 24(10), 1334–1344. https://doi.org/10.1177/1359105317723451
